Units of Measure

Units of Measure

Two dozen units of measure



24.  Gaggle - The number of geese defecating in your favorite park.


23.  Getting hit with a _____ -  How bad something is, in a F=MA sort of way.


22.  Half-life - The amount of time it takes for a radioactive element to lose half its radioactivity.


21.  Fortnight - 14 days.  And nights, I presume.


20.  Scarramuci - A smidge less than a fortnight.


19.  Smidge - If my math holds up, eight days.


18.  Parsec - Twelve or less of these the equals one Millennium Falcon doing the Kessel Run.  With Han at the controls.  None of this Lando Calrissian nonsense.


17.  Shot - 1.5 fluid ounces.  Or more, if the bartender likes you.


16.  New York Minute - The amount of time it takes to be forever despondent you were born in New York, rather than Chicago.  Or, so I understand.


15.  Jiffy - Not much time.  Or a jar of peanut butter.


14.  Garn - The inability, on a 0 - 1 scale, to keep food in you during space travel.  Seriously.


13.  Barnhill - The inability, on a 0 - 1 scale, to recognize your babbling is not at all interesting to those who are patiently waiting for you to stop talking.  Don’t - EVER - go full Barnhill.    


12.  Acre-foot - A shit ton of shots and / or the source of much disagreement, west of the Colorado River.   


11.  Shit load - A lot.  Alternatively, a unit of time/distance a person can cover between eating something at Chipotle that doesn’t “sit right” with them until a “Code Brown” occurs.


10.  Shit ton - A lot.  Not to be confused with ass ton, which has something to do with the Kardashians.


9.  Byrant - 108 years of ever-repeating anxiety, as experienced in the moment you saw him start to slip while throwing the ball to Rizzo.  Local to Northside Chicago (wherever you may be).   


8.  Career - What you do before you decide to retire and die.


7.  Block - Unit of distance, if not time, in classic grid cities.  The more blocks, the better.


6. Board foot - 12” X 12” X 1” (for calculating amount of wood necessary for a project)


5.  McQueen (Steve) - A unit of cool.


4.  Downtown - Either an urban core where people are most free, equal, happy and alive, or a unit of baseball distance equal to a home run.    


3. Big fucking - An indicator of hammer capacity.  As in, “Hand me the BFH”.


2. As fuck - A metric of appreciative comparison.  As in, “Seaside’s becoming awesome as fuck”.


1. Season - A standard unit of bliss, measured from pitchers and catchers reporting, to the final out of the World Series.  Preferably, with an uncalled, Javy Baez straight steal of home with no outs in the bottom of the ninth.