Asked & Answered: Punching Nazis

Where do I find Nazis? 

Typically, they’re still living in their mom’s basements or wandering around the margins of inclusionary events that normal people attend.  Sometimes, they’re at the mall or just hanging out on the street corner. 

How do I spot them? 

Swastikas are a give-away, but rare.  Polo shirts, khakis and Fox News logos are indicators, but require confirming information.

Like what?

Caucasian male.  Bad haircut.  Worse car.  Herd mentality. Lingering smell of citronella, Axe body spray and / or lead-based paint odor on their breath.         

What if I’m unsure?

Listen for tell-tale clues in conversation among them, including expert opinions on animal husbandry, how their job would be better if it weren’t for Ellis Island and incredibly detailed plans on how to save America from Beyonce.

Beyonce is a threat to America?

It doesn’t have to make sense.  

Ok.  Once I’m pretty sure the person is a Nazi, what’s the next step? 

Punch them.

What if they are one of those Westboro Baptist wingnuts?

You can only punch them at military funerals.  Otherwise, just smile, wave and ask them to go home to Topeka. 

What if they are “white nationalists” rather than Nazis?

White nationalist is the SAME thing as Nazi.  It’s knuckle sandwich time. 

Should I argue with them before I punch them? 

There’s really no point to that.  They are impenetrably stupid, and unrepentantly evil.  Just punch them.

Isn’t that sinking to their level? 

Not even close.  Their level, as you may recall, is exterminating entire populations.  Punch em.

But I was told violence was wrong when I was growing up. 

You were also told you were special, and how is that working out?

If I punch them, will they punch back? 

Not likely.  If something as non-threatening as skin pigmentation and sexual identity and orientation scares them, imagine how ill-prepared they are to engage in a fist fight.

What’s the best place to punch them? 

Right in their pathetic, big forehead face. 

With my left or right hand fist? 

Whichever is convenient.  You’re over-thinking this. 

What if they are smaller than me?  Is punching them fair? 

Do we have to review the exterminating entire populations goal again?  You’re punching their repulsive ideology, which is bigger than them and needs to be punched. 

What if they are bigger than me?

Punch even harder, then take one step back and kick them as hard as you can in the knee.

What if there are a bunch of them?

There’s an instructional video titled “The Blues Brothers”. 

What happens after I punch them?

One of two things.  Either someone captured it on their iPhone and you’ll be a folk hero.  Or the person will say “Hey, I’m not a Nazi" and ... there will be a moment or two of awkwardness.

Ok, thanks.  Anyone else I can punch?

Anyone assualting a woman, harming a child, dropping their gloves in hockey or throwing at your head in baseball.  Those four, plus Nazis.  That's it. 

What if I'm hanging out with Buzz Aldrin and someone gives him grief about the moon landing being fake?

Not to worry.  Buzz will take care of that himself.