SOOT
What if The Replacements were not just the best band of all time -- too cool for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame -- but also ran an obscure firefighter t-shirt company? What if “Lights that flash in the evening” was not a lyric to Can’t Hardly Wait (the best song (song with lyrics, at least) ever) but was stenciled in a Swiss modernist font in white on a navy blue t-shirt? How about “If you dare, I will dare”? "Too late to turn back, here we go!" is a winner. Just guessing, but, “If he was from Venus, would he feed us with a spoon?” would not be a big seller. Maybe in Minneapolis.
But big sales ain’t the point. A small amount of fun with the dumb slogan and worse graphics firefighter t-shirt trope is the idea. Near as I can tell, firefighting is really just a bunch of chemistry and a fair bit of physics funded by Big Pancake.
Into that marketspace, SOOT will force entry. SOOT, branded as Finery for the Fire Service, will offer the discerning PFAS absorber a choice of station wear. No flags. No Maltese Crosses. No finding them hot and leaving them wet, etc. etc. regrettable fashion choices. Just the essence of firefighting zeitgeist in as few words as possible, kerned with something bordering on obsession.
In no particular order except the first two already having been made, here’s the inaugural batch of 101:
1. GPM > BTU
2. Ambient Temperature Restoration Technician
3. Second Law of Thermodynamics Adventure Club
4. Not Today, Entropy
5. Wet Stuff Applicator
7. Exothermic Incident Disruptor
8. Eat. Spray. Lift Assist.
9. Would A Decent Breakfast At A 3 AM Fire Be Too Much To Ask?
10. Maybe This Button Does Something
11. I'm Moist
12. Leg Locking Has Reached Hypothetical Status
13. Whoever Retires With The Most Flashlights Wins
14. ignis interruptus
15. Can Job? Can Do.
16. Any Knot Less Dyslexic Than Me Is A Win
17. Been Lost In A Basement, But Have Never Lost A Basement.
18. If A Tree Falls In A Forest, How Can You Be Sure A Firefighter Did Not Break It?
19. Damn, This Stuff Is Heavy
20. Well, When A Male Coupling & A Female Coupling Really Love Each Other...
21. Command, From Interior
22. Hose Flaking Inspired By Jackson Pollock
23. Smoothbore Dinosaur
24. Combination Nozzle Futurist
25. Flowpath Sage
26. Kink Shamer
27. Ask ME About Gallonage !
28. Righty Fighty, Lefty Steamy
29. Sorry Bout The Mess
30. The Worst Thing I Ever Saw Was The Muster Room Fridge
31. I Love The Smell Of Class A Foam In The Morning
32. Drive. Chock. Pump.
33. What's Said In The Back Of The Rig Stays In The Back Of The Rig
34. Flunked The Written. Passed The Practical.
35. Thermal Image Cinematographer
36. B Shift Broke It
37. Sometimes, The Mega Mover Ain't Mega Enough
38. I'll Take The Legs
39. Been There, Broke That
40. Not (Clinically) Depressed, Just Second Due
41. I Once Went Into A House & It Was Clean
42. Fire Triangle Detriangulator
43. The Universe Trends Toward Disorder. So … There’s That.
44. Fine. We'll Eat The Pastries
45. Still Wet From Tuesday
46. We Were Making Good Progress
47. It Worked, Didn't It?
48. Stubbed My Toe Hard In The Yard
49. Took my Chevy to the BLEVE, so the BLEVE's not dry
50. Deck Gun Devotee
51. Those Wildland Dudes Are Nuts
52. On A Ladder, With A Ladder, Singing Me Some Lyle Lovett
53. Don’t Bother Me, I’m Compartmentalizing
54. It’s Not ”Freelancing” If It Works
55. I Brought Irons & Emotional Baggage
56. Hydrant Whisperer
57. Glove Evangelist
58. Search Rope Consortium Vice President
59. Tis Better To Friction Loss, Than To Have Never Frictioned At All
60. Tank Water Hoarder
61. Smells Like Extension
62. Was Promised A Cool Shirt. Got This Instead.
63. Radio Room Raconteur
64. I Got A Halligan & Unresolved Issues
65. Force Entries, Not Feelings
66. Operationally Sound, Emotionally Suspect
67. Scans Scene For Orange Helmet. Proceeds.
68. Seeing A Therapist For My ISO Anxiety
69. Our Preplan? Vibes.
70. We Meet NFPA Spiritually
71. Small Town. Long Driveways. Hella LDH.
72. Hate It When The Day Job Gets In The Way Of The Hobby
73. Urban Confidence, Rural Water
74. The Hydrant Situation Remains Theoretical
75. You Using That Swimming Pool For Anything?
76. Nothin Another Tender Won’t Fix
77. I Don’t Go To Rehab For Fun Things, So Why Now?
78. Air On, Feelings Off
79. Buildings Rarely Ask If They’re Going To Die
80. My Emotional Boundary Is Positive Pressure
81. I Prefer Emergencies With Limited Eye Contact
82. My Coping Style Is A Master Stream
83. Trust Me, You Want The Version I’m Willing To Tell
84. Dispatch … Was Understated
85. Actual Conditions Varied
86. Let’s Just Say The Caller Lacked Technical Sophistication
87. Don’t Make Me Explain Bernoulli Again
88. Pressure Is Not Flow, Brad
89. If The Atmosphere Was Really Trying, I Could Draft
90. Cavitation Sucks
91. Rutger Hauer Was Wrong About Tears In The Rain
92. Do I Look Like A Fluid Dynamics Professor?
93. I Learned Everything I Need To Know About This Panel From Elvis Costello
94. The Inner Critic Has Left The Fireground
95. Task Saturation Is Your Problem, Not Mine
96. Just Another Day At The Metaphor Factory
97. White Helmet, Gandalf / Red Helmet, Aragorn / Black Helmet, Gimli
98. How Old Do You Think That Pie Is?
99. I’m Only Here For The Narrative Arc
100. So MANY Knobs & Levers !!!
101. The Kitten Was Higher Than It Looked
